Saint dympna's
by Undertakerwillsemeyou
Summary: There are two goals at saint Dymphna's. Survive, or die. But don't think they'll make either very simple for you. Ciel would never call himself insane, but this red-eyed boy might drive him there. Psychological thriller, where delusions of the mind can give you great things, for the cheap cost of the title 'Mad'.
1. Dr Faustus

**Alright, here it is! far too delayed, I know, buuuut, i have a glorious excuse. I was undergoing psychiatric examination in a mental hospitsal! That's right, the white coats came and took your humble seme away to eat tray lunches and watch animal planet under florecent lights. YEAH, the irony, it's unbarible, and now i have EXPIRIENCE. I'll only be better at writing this story now :D.**

_"Mommy! Daddy!"_ The boy had called gleefully. Gleeful titles that fell from the gleeful lips of a gleeful child.

_Mommy!_

Back then, everything was bouyant.

_Mommy!_

Everything was happy.

_Tell me a story!_

_He _was happy.

He could no longer feel such mundane emotions. He was far to astute for that. So why had he held the idea he might escape? Why did he think he'd ever get out of here? Why had he let hope creep into his senses.

_Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, What was that, Ciel?_ The boy's mother chimed on that so hated night. Every night she told this story, sitting at the foot of his small four poster bed while his dad waited in the corner of the room by the light switch, ready to flip it, but not too hastily, for he was looking with sentiment at his wife and child, feeling pride and warmth, and sometimes, he'd join Rachel at Ciel's bed, or at the boy's side, and sleep there, just to comfort him.

_It was hope!_

This would not happen again.

_You have to go to bed now, ciel._

This could not happen again.

_No mommy! I wanna stay up! I wanna be with you and daddy!_

This could never happen again.

_I wanna be with you forever!_

**Never.**

~۞~

"It's time for lunch, Ciel." A blonde girl chimed. Elizibeth was her name, I think. She was actually quite atractive, her blonde hair lying down in stright tresses. It was quite interesting when she was admitted, her hair curled into perfectly spiraling tindrells abreast each side of her head, but saint dymphna's has no curling irons (lest you burn yourself) or jells (lest you poison yourself).

It seemed she was here because her aunt wanted her to be some fencing prodigy, and she enjoyed it, until she started going to malls instead of practice. Aventually, her aunt got so intense that she got in an actual sword fight with her. The prodigy won.

"I don't think I will." I answered as if it were no big deal. Luckily, a nurse hadn't come to retreive me, or it **would** be a big deal. You must eat here, every meal (lest you starve yourself).

"Come on Ciel! You need to eat. Come keep me company!" She urged, twirling her hair, then frowning, realizing she could no longer twiddle her curls.

I might consider her upbeat and peppy personality disturbing were it not for her being wrongfully admitted. I imagine she was naturally a very polite, sweet girl. This made her an annoyance, but one tolerable, and even good at times... Like friends... or a moth...

"Honestly, I'd like to, but I can't, I-I'm journaling." I couldn't help slightly shouting my reply with the excitement of a good back up plan.

"Hmm, alright fine. But don't blame me if Dr. Faustus catches you." The girl threatened playfully before skipping sweatly away.

We were supposed to journal here, and it was the only real excuse to get out of anything. In fact, you were not just encouraged, but permitted, to journal.

Lest you isolate yourself.

~۞~

I read silently, jounal open, to confirm my story, but ignored. It was a child's poetry book that was far too juvenile for anyone's taste, let alone mine, however, ocasionally, there was something my mother once read me, and I enjoyed the almost intoxicating nostalgia that came with each of them. Every now and again I'd hear someone coming and put a bendy pen- a stain-filled anti-poison bending pen with a medium soft tip (lest you stab yourself)- in hand.

Sometimes I let my mind wander to my foolishness for never knowing I'd be stuck here. Those first seven days, they were almost pathetic now. Almost.

_Day one_

_My mind is moving at the speed of light, yet, I am only capable of the bare minimum. Nodding yes. Shaking no. Answering the questions adminisered to me then ingeminated to me, again and yet, again. My optics refuse to focus, and at times, celerity seems indecisive. My eyes are desperate to remain clenched with sleep, and my enervation is nearly consuming. I try to be concerned about the words spoken to me, but my conscience is lost. My only hope, is that I can return home soon._

The first seven entries in my journal were those hopeful days of not knowing. But, hindsight does me no justice nor pleasantry, so I try to forget my own idiocy.

I am currently in my bedroom, a quiet place with flower mosiac ceilings, a matching print bed, half-carpeted-half-tiled floors (plastic tile, lest you bludgeon youself) and pale red walls to match the pretend roses above. It was a small place, and the only noise were the nurses gosiping though closed doors and the screams from nearby and far away, of mad little boys and girls. I'd learned enough in my time here not to ask, but to listen. Listen to the gosip and rumors, extract what's fake and what's real, to gain facts. The facts I knew? All in good time.

I finished my book with a sigh, and went to the lounge, the center of the hospital where it was slightly more populated. It was good not seem too isolated.

Immediately I was ambushed by a blonde boy. He was my friend here, if I had one. I'd assume I could consider him that. He treated me as one, though, I didn't necisarily see anyone that way, he was the closest I had... And he was _annoying_.

"Ciel! Ciel! Did you hear! There's a new admit today." He said excitedly

"Hmmm. Why should I care?" I said monotonously, sitting on one of many colorful blue and red chairs (colorful, lest you grow depressed).

"Ciel?" I heard a deep voice from behind me.

Yes, this was one of the many fact's (rumors) consumptions, Doctor Faustus.

He was a black haired man with pale skin, hazel eyes, shiny teeth and a sinister smile that vivaciously drew you in. He was rumored for good reason.

"Yes?" I said flatly, glaring at him only slightly.

"May I see you in the blue room for a moment?"

Everyone stared at me. The infamous blue room, how innocent it sounds, is the predator's lair. And they knew it. But they'll be damned if they said a word against it. Everyone, accept Alois.

"Him!" The boy asked, outraged. You see, Alois was madly in love with doctor faustus, and he knew exactly what happened in the purple room. But Alois saw it as an oppertunity, not a tradgedy.

"Sure." I answered hesitantly. Nurses sent me painful and sympathetic glances, as well as glared of jealousy. I knew, however, That if I were to disagree, I may get sent to residential, or someplace... worse.

"Fine, Faustus! You'll come get me later, right!" Alois yelled to the receding man. There was no answer, beside a small eye roll.

_Yes, it's true, Saint dymphna's was a beautiful place._

My eyes locked onto the suspicous man, narrowing at the sight.The black haired swain prowled close with a ravenous smirk, his teeth even paler than his snow skin, shining with barely contained excitement.

_Pretty flower mosiacs lining the ceilings, marble floors and desks with rounded edges, as to not endanger the children's fragile minds._

"What are you doing, Dr. Faustus?" I asked softly, knowing quite well the answer, as I'd heard the other boys and girl's voices call out at night for help that never came. The other doctors and nurses knew well what went on at night, and allowed it, for fear that, Claude fautus would run off and make known what happened at this hospital, the dangers of it, Dangers besides himslf, that is.

_Large lone rooms, with queen beds and woolen sheets._

Here, the blue room, the only room that had a bed beside the patient's bedrooms. And here I was, laying atop it, something I hoped I'd never have to do, staring at the midnight blue walls instead of the man before me, whispering "don't touch me" beneath my breathe, getting steadily louder.

_Long dim corridors with large closets..._

"Please, call me claude." The man said, his breath wafting over my face.

_Perfect places to hide skeletons_.

"Your breath smells like cat piss." I said loathesomely, realizing he did in fact, want me for this purpose.

_It really did seem nice, but everything there was there for a purpose, and that purpose was never a chaste nor an altruistic one._

"Now Ciel, good patients get rewarded... But I think I like the bad ones even more." The man growled, begining to strip Ciel's clothing and touch the pale skin beneath, thoroughly suprised when he felt something rough.

_Vivacious nurses and doctors. Clean white walls and beautiful flowers grown, barely disguising the bodies buried beneath them, the screams echoing within them, or the secrets buried too far down to even reach... But they should feel lucky._

"Stop!"

_They had lunch every day. Warm beds to sleep in. In fact, most of the children were not touched or affected at all. They took art clases and played with toys and had psychiatrists. To many, it was a pleasant place... But they were the ignorant ones. The ones who could not see past the daisies and bluebells that grow in the gardens. The ones that could not hear the screaming of children in thier rooms. But then, even them, even the children who did scream alone at night, were lucky. They were not taken to the west building. Though not much was known about the place, it was a well gossiped subject. Some claimed the children of the west building were tortured or even killed..._

"Fucking stop it!" I screamed as a tounge joined the hands. He easily caught my swinging arms and began fingering the burns on my chest.

_These rumors... they were pitiful. Those poor lost souls could only dream of death at that point__._

The man tounge quickly swept across my toung them traveled upwards, prying it's self into my mouth. I tried to scream, but failed... And so.

_It would suit them far better._

I did what I had to do.

_All screams here were in vain._

My teeth clamped down and bit the tounge until I felt the muscles tear, then I squeezed tighter... And it was bitten completely off.

_All lives here were in vain._

_**Welcome to Saint Dymphna's**_

~۞~

**DOOOOONNNNEEEE. hOW WAS MY FIRST CHAPTER! HUUUUUHHH? Review me PLEASE, or I'll have robo-sama eat your face.**


	2. New admit

I sat in my bedroom with a nurse who got me new clothing and a towel so I could shower. I scrubbed my body brutally, but I knew I'd never feel clean. I rubbed my wounds raw until they were near bleeding. I grabbed the hospital gown, as it was they had a clean, and changed into it, dreading the dirtiness, the invisable grime that still racked my body. I sat on the rose sheets next to the woman whom wore green scrubs. She had a long grey-ish braid that now spiraled across my bed.

"You know what happens next?... Right?" She asked, almost hesitantly.

"I know." I whispered. I could only bring myself to whisper, and it was a full sixty seconds before I could even muster that.

"I'll delay it for as long as I can. I have predominence in this hospital, I could make it months before it happens, the only issue is... I can't make it _not_ happen." She said, offering a hand to comfort me that I only stared at as if it'd done me some terrible wrong.

I made no answer to this. I already knew what would happen, and so, my voice wasn't even worth speaking anymore.

I'd be admitted to the west building.

~۞~

The rest of the day, I could not bring myself to speak. Not to Alois as he asked for details, not to Elizibeth as she helplessly flirted to no decent end, not with the therapists as they asked me "how I feel about that". I wondered if I'd ever speak again... for some reason, I doubted it.

I only sat in a dim corner of the game room, A place filled with board games that no one would ever bother with, and watched the soft shoe soles of the other patients go by, as we were not allowed to have hard soled shoes (lest we kick each other).

When I grew bored, I went to go find my journal. I had some poetry in there, but not much, I figured now was as inspiring a time as any.

Heading off into the lounge, I sought out the pale blue book in which I did what all therapists begged, and wrote out my _feelings_. Albeit, they were dark feelings.

I stopped suddenly when I heard a deep velvet voice read aloud.

"Hath thy left dead in a dream of black and white?" I heard it say. It was my poem he was reading. I couldn't help loving the way it slid out of his mouth, entrancing, not mechanical, as if he were reading, or platonic, as if it bored him, but as if he was feeling the emotion that I put into words. Next I saw the face who spoke the words as I turned around. A man in all black, dressed casually. Was this the new admit? His hair framed his face with a few slate black tresses, and he was almost abnormally pale, and flawless, like a porcelain doll, but not cute, beautiful.

I blushed at the realization of what I was thinking, but was once again lost as the man in black looked up at me with scarlet eyes, like ruby jewels that sparkled under the artificial lights. Something legitimate in world of falsehoods.

"Thou whose downcast eyes caldenstinely scrutenize the fallen pawns." The said, his voice of silk entwining me. He continued to read, though he never broke eye contact with me.

"'twas but a dream of sanguine that elict such mad theorum... But a dream that feined truth." He whispered the last line and I blushed again, cursing myself for it. I had an urge to speak the next line that I knew might escape his mouth, but then I shook my head, finally breaking the eye contact, and thus, falling out of his abnormal spell.

_I'm already going to the west building._ I thought, and snatched the journal from his hands, slapping him across the face with it... He didn't so much as wince.

"You should really learn to respect people privacy!" I hushly yelled, as not to draw attention from the nearby nurses.

"This was your journal then? With the skill of the writing, I could have easily mistaken it for a published poetry book." He said smoothly with an infuriating smirk on his face that made me want to hit him upside the head again, pleased when no one noticed.

"Yes, It's my journal, thank you very mu-"

"You're welcome." He smiled. I felt my eye twitch.

"You write about your life. I can tell. It's awe-inspiring."

"Well...T-"

"But, just for fun, lets say I don't believe that it's your journal." He said with a steadily growing grin. I suddenly grew very irritated.

"What are you going on abou-"

"Truth shall not always be varacious when countered with thou's belief in it." He quoted me.

"For it be not truth's star that shines the brightest, but the upholder's that paegents it's radience." He finshed, I felt my disbelief growing.

"You... actually understood what I wrote?" I asked.

"Not just understood. I took it to heart. _Ciel_." He smirked at the shiver I emmited when he spoke my name. I wondered briefly how he knew my name, but then realized I likely wrote it down in a few entries. I rolled my eyes and turned to walk away, but froze when I heard his voice again, not inches away from my ear.

"Thou shall soon see, through storm and night, when every queen and bishop have fallen, that only I will taste the words, _checkmate_." He whispered, and I couldn't supress another shiver, especially when he chuckled lowly in my ear, blowing his hot breath softly into it.

"Then, thou shall be forever mine." He said, walking away.

"hey! I did not write that last part!" I called after him.

He turned around. "I know." He smiled, then he rounded a corner and disappeared from sight. Not moments later, Alois appeared, all but running over to me.

"Whoa! The new guy is awesome! and he totally wants you!" Alois said in excitement. I scoffed and rolled my eyes for the second time.

"Why must I always be surrounded by imbuciles?" I muttered, but alois and grabbed me by the arm and began singing "Ciel-and-sebastian-sitting-in-a-tree". I groaned and turned around, walking back to my own dark corner of the game room.

~۞~

We were all going outside for an hour of exersize within a limited iron fence (lest we escape).

Alois and I went and sprawled out on a picnic table making small talk and avoiding conversations on anything that mattered until I caught sight of silky black hair. My eyes flitted to the raven whom was hiding from the view of nurses and raising a cigarette to his lips. Alois's eyes quickly followed mine (that at the moment could not help staring as Sebastian's mouth enveloped the small rod of tobaco) and caught the red of Sebastian.

"Go over there!" Alois bated with a smile.

"Tch. No way. He'd gonna get his ass caught anyway, and I don't want to be there when it happens." I said, finally taking my eyes off the raven's lips.

"If you don't, I will. And I'll tell him how you _adore_ him." The blonde threatened.

"You wouldn't dare!" I growled, but he only smirked, and began to get to his feet.

"Seeeeeebbbbasssti-"

"Okay! Okay!" I groaned and walked through the artificial grass to the large oak tree where the teen was hiding.

"What the hell are you doing?" I said monotonously. He was obviously and idiot for doing something like this here, but I had to admit... he did look rather enticing. I flushed and banned the thoughts as I once again rose my eyes to meet scarlet ones that brought on a brand new string of unwanted cerebrations.

"Not much, unless you want me to be exact, I am breathing, standing, leaning, speaking, loo-"

"No, what are you doing smoking? You're going to get caught you know?" I said in exasperation.

"Yeah, most likely." He smiled, showing off his white teeth.

"However, I haven't had a smoke for three days, and me being here or not, necesities are necesities. That red-haired nurse had these, so I took them. He said, holding up the lighter and pack he'd found. "Wanna drag?" He asked taking one for himself.

"Ah, no thank you." I said, my eyes narrowing.

Unsuspectedly, he took my chin in his black-nailed hands, and brought my face near his. After a moment of nothing I opened my mouth to question him, but he blew his smoke straight into it and dropped the hand from my face. I coughed gravely as the raven chuckled with the utmost amusement.

"Very *cough* funny." I glared.

"I'm aware. That's why I did it." He smirked and I growled deep in my throat.

"ah, you're fun Phantomhive." He said, putting the cigarette on his own exposed forearm. I winced at the action looked at him shokedly as he made no noticable reaction.

"You sure you don't want one?" He offered, seeing my uncomfortableness and changing the subject.

"Quite." I assured him, snapping out of my trance

"I'm going to go." I said, suddenly uncomfortable with the amount of attraction I felt, replaying the masochistic action in my mind.

"One thing, first." The raven requested, gesturing with his endex finger for me to come closer.

He pulled my head until I felt his lips on the shell of my ear and shuddered.

"You _adore_ me?" He breathed into me ear, and I flushed a scarlet, just shy a shade of his own eyes, quickly skimpering away like a startled deer.

~۞~


	3. Recalling the past

_It was everywhere, crimson and black, rising and breaking through the roof as well as festering on each wall and banister, creating an inescapable, suffocating, cruciation that disturbed me to no end. The fire was raging, burning on my skin. I was no longer breathing the air, but choking on it. This terrified me. I only wished that mommy and daddy could come pull me out. Save me like they had countless times before. But they were gone. Everyone was gone, and I was in my own dark corner. _

_I felt the sudden need to run when I heard my mother's cry, though I wanted to stay where I was and not move an inch. I went to her, I went to where the sound came from, the sound that now echoed in my ears. I ran to her, and found her body entangled, a sweet almost sentimental look on her face, her body entwined with my father's, her blonde hair and his charcoal grey tangled together, and thier two hands holding one another's, each of thier rings glittering in the flickering flames. _

_I went over to go grab one, and it was burning to the touch, but I didn't drop it. It was too important. I clutched it as it burned my hands harshly. I was happy that they died with smiles at the time... But they weren't real smiles. I knew an artifical smile by now, and that was the very definition of it. Too large, over-dramatized, slightly awkward, and it never reached thier eyes which were either closed or reflected the candid feelings they refused to show. And even stranger than the haunting smiles, was the scream I heard. She screamed out of pure fear, the same emotion in her miserable blue eyes, but not on her face. She wasn't hiding it for my benefit, that would just be too strange. Someone made her do it. And again, as I ran through the house, I heard that scream._

_It echoed in my ears for the next few days. My mother's voice. It repeated as they questioned me and were met with Silence, as they claimed to have found a charred match bow in my room, as my attorneys told me I was doing 'just fine', as they whispered to each other that they would never get a response out of me, as they gave up, as they tried to convince me to change my clothes, to brush my hair, as I kept my father's ring clutched so tight in my hands that I felt my nails dig into the palms, As they tried to pry the ring out of my hands and I screamed, making a scene in court, and as they managed to get me out of juvenile detention on accounts of madness. _

_I still heard that scream, still saw those smiles, those mortified eyes, but most of all that scream. It was all I knew as truth anymore, and it was the most disturbing and disgusting truth I could find, but I treasured it because it was my mother's final word, and the last thing spoken to me that wasn't a falsehood._

_"__**CIEL**__!"_

Starting in bed I sighed in relief that quickly turned to disdain as I eyes my floral cieling. Yes, this was where I was... and I was never leaving. It was like prison, accept everyone was forced to smile and give you false hope that only exsisted for the weak-minded who allowed strangers to doctor and shrink thier minds. as for myself, well I knew exactly what a place like this was.

~۞~

"So, Ciel, sup with your new gear?" The blonde asked, walking over and looking at my crimson button up and red-and-black plaid pants. The shirt was adorned with a black tie, and there was a red cap too, but I chose not to wear that.

"My aunt angelina bought it. She's _obsessed_ with the color red." I remarked, adumbrating an image of the scarlet woman in my mind.

"Hmmn. I woulda thought it was a ploy to attract the new guy. You look damn sexy in that, you do realize?" He smirked, fingering some of the buttons on my shirt. I slapped at his hand and ignored the comment, not wanting to think about Sebastian this early in the morning.

Neverltheless, I linger on the thought of that boy. I'd never seen crimson eyes on anyone in my life, and they had to be legitmate. Contacts weren't allowed. They came with the serum to moisurize them, and since that could easily be replaced with poison or alcohol, they could not be allowed past the doors. Besides, they looked legit anyway. They had expressions on them. Contacts can't display worry or smugness. Actually, most eyes here, fake or real, couldn't display emotion anyway... He was different, and it wasn't just physically...

"..And that's why you should!" I heard the tail end of alois speaking to me, and since I'd never hear the end of it if I hadn't heard him because I was thinking of _him_, I just ignored it, and shook my head, as if denying whatever he had proposed. I typically would deny anything he asked anyway.

"Why!" The blonde begged on the unknown topic.

"Because." I responded simply, attempting to drop the subject. I thought he'd continue, but it must not have been important enough as he forgot the thought when he saw them rolling in the breakfast.

I'd said earlier that what I knew would all come in good time, facts and rumors, what was distorted. This, I knew, wasn't. It was the reason I ate none of the food they served in saint dyphna's, as it came from one source. it was the same reason that there was always room for new admitions in the west building. Those children had to be going some where. I acted like it didn't disgust me as I watched them turn children children into cannibals. I know what to eat and what not to eat. Cakes and drinks were safe, but soups and mystery meat, they were off limits. I couldn't, however, keep from gaging when the other children spoke of how good the food was here.

Picking up some sort of vegitable and popping it into my mouth, I decided that the best thing to train my eyes on right now was the far wall in the corner. Yes, it was far more entertaining, and _it _wouldn't make me throw up.

I suppose, looking at the food, instead of not noticing it's presence may have been a better choice, for when I stuck my fork into what I was sure was someone's missing limb, I spewwed what I had eaten onto my plate.

"Ciel! Ciel! Are you alright?" I heard miss-genuinely-wants-to-know-how-you-are-nurse's voice cut in from the madness my puking aroused. Funny. This place was so absolutely dull, bubbling stomach acid was the main event. I was fine, I guessed, but pretending I was sick may be an excuse to lay in bed instead of finger painting my feelings for today.

Some kids were gigling others fled the table and the other's just sat with looks of disgust and worry on thier faces. I got up and went to the office desk near the cafeteria with the unneeded assistance of Haanah, the day nurse.

I told the nurse I wasn't feeling well and she put me in the infirmary, a white room with blue cots and several metal trashcans with plastic trash bags inside them.

I layed on one of the cots and rested my head softly on a white pillow with a papery pillow case like in the hospitals.

" Alright Sweetheart, I'm going to take your vitals, and then you can rest?" I heard the feminine voice from the corner propose. I looked over and found it was a man sitting there. It could have been my aunt angelina's brother with all the red he was wearing, red in scrubs two sizes too small. I'd figured he was talking to me, but I soon saw someone behind him. With the stark blackness of his hair, I knew immediately who it was.

"Night night, bass-chan." The red nurse winked as sebastian walked over, rubbing his arm that had just been squeezed the hell out of by a blood pressure cuff. I knew that process too well. They checked out temperture and blood pressure every night. Though I had not yet met the infamous "Grell" male nurse, I heard he was a flaming homosexual who really liked to have a field day with that pressure cuff. I could just imagine it squeezing somebody to hard they popped, and by the strange glint in the man's red eyes, I got the feeling he was thinking the same.

"Oh, hello Ciel." The ink-haired boy said, walking over. "I heard you lost your breakfast this morning. I thought I'd come check on you." He said, sitting down on the cot directly next to mine, and pushing it closer, as he wasn't close enough already.

"What do you want?" I asked, and he smirked, which worked perfectly to irritate me further.

"Not anything in particular. Why, did you have something in mind?" The last few words were spoken with a sadistic sounding sensually, with the seeming of an Daemon working to seduce prey. I wouldn't really thought so if his crimson eyes weren't staring at me ravenously.

"I won't even dignify that with a response."

"Wasn't that a response, Ciel?" His smirk grew, and with it my agitation. I felt my eye twitch. If Alois were in this argument, he would come up with something he took for witty like 'Aren't _you_ a response' and I would ignore him while the person would say 'Was that supposed to be an insult,' to which he would answer 'Were _you_ supposed to be an insult' and the conversation would escalate from there. Though Alois was annoying, rude, and inapropriate, I kind of wished he was here right now. Instead of answering, I just turned around on my cot, away from Sebastian's prying eyes.

"You tease me... Hmmm, I wonder what I like better this view or the previous one..." Sebastian excentuated this statement with a sharp grope to my behind. I gasped and grew bright red. I didn't want to look back or I knew I'd face a comment about blushing, so instead I just scooted over and clenched my eyes tight, trying to keep inappropriate thoughts out of my head. It was a few minutes before I heard anything else.

" May I ask you something? Ciel?" Sebastian asked in whisper.

"What is it?" I asked quietly, having calmed down a bit.

"... What are you doing here?"


	4. identifying the present

I thought. I thought for what felt like hours and very well might have been, for when I looked up to the bullet proof window, the sky was dimming. What was I doing here, Had he any right to know? Did I really know, myself? Ofcourse, I knew the event that had happened, but I didn't know why, or even what I was feeling at the time, or how it landed me here.

I looked over with what I thought was a decent answer, but the boy next to me had his eyes closed.

"I don't know." I said quietly. As I stared at him, looking in soft crevices of his face, I said again.

"I don't know."

I was doing it again. It had happened, about two years back, when I was new here. There was an admit named Ashe. He was kind, polite, and he treated me almost exactly as sebastian did now. He was admitted to the west building. That's where I was going. I did not want to feel like a coward for my only concern to be myself when I finally did go away. I didn't want to have a relationship with someone, and them forget about them. So I'd have to sever it. All of it. All of my relationships with everyone. And I could not become friends so easily with someone when I knew of the fate that lied ahead for me. It was imbucilic. It was actions like this that left people like Elizibeth, Alois, and my aunt Angelina shattered.

Never would I become broken. I was not mad like the lot of them. I would keep my sanity, if only that, on my journey, because I know if I go in clutching life as my salvation, when I arrive, I will not even want that.

I decided, somewhere amongst my dreaming, that I would not cut everyone off, or even ignore them. After all, it would not have to be them that changed. It would be me. So, slowly, over the few remaining months I have, I will train my mind to block out actions that hold emotion, then words, starting with strong emotions, and leading up to even suggestions of happiness or warmth. I would become cold, hard, and numb, as I would need to be. When I finally arrive to west building, I will be catationic, not clinging to god, or hope, or love, and definitely not something as fickle as other human being to help me through the dark times. I will not listen to words spoken. I will eat food given. I will not speak when spoken to, I will not move when ordered to, I will ignore festering wounds, I will ignore echoing emptiness, and in my head, I will only replay blackness, for that is all I'll be facing once I am directed to that cold building. But for now, I will speak, I will listen, I will let myself fade until all that lies before me is crepescule which I will never escape. Peaceful. Like sleep. But not peaceful like death. The only thing worse than having nightmares when you sleep, is having pleasant dreams, but they're both terrible, for what faces you when you awaken is reality, and any sense of peace you have, you don't know that it's temporary. Because your basking in the natural high of recuperation and rest, and when you wake up and face the day, you can't fight the tears in your eyes.

But that is not here nor there, because pleasant dreams are something I will never have to worry about again. I should feel sad. Worried, depressed, but I do not. For, I'm finally realizing, all hope is lost. So that's another thing that won't light my darkness and let me see the bodies of the fallen around me.

I am relieved again when I think about death. It hugs me, rather than looming like a cloud. It will await me as well, and it is one of the only things in this world that is concrete, so I decide, this will be my companion in my cimmerian hell.

I am gone when Sebastian awakens. I sit, rather than on an uncomfortable cot, in my bedroom. It sometime in early morning, but I know he's awake, because I can hear his unmistakibly light treads, and his gruff breaths that I recognise from him sleeping, and I decide that I want to hold a bit of emotion before I swear it off. It's mostly just to pry into Sebastian as he did to me, but I know emotion will undoubtedly tie to it. So call him softly, as not to wake the nurse who is dozing down the hall, supposedly on night duty. He is at my door in an instant, standing in the frame, as if he needs permission to enter. I beckon him with my hand and he sits at the foot of my bed.

"You know, I never recieved an answer." he says, and before that second can pass, my angry reponse is spat hushly.

"You did. You weren't awake to hear it. That's not my problem, and I won't reitterate myself on your accord." I seethed.

"Believe me, Ciel, I heard you. I'm sure you remember your story, thus, 'I don't know', is not a proper answer."

"What about you!" I protested, though still keeping my voice quiet. "What are you doing here mister high and mighty?" I rolled my eyes.

"That, I did tell you."

"You-"

"Through actions rather than words. Self mutilation, if you'd recall." Sebastian said, staring down at the still-fresh cigarette burn on his arm.

"That's not going to work either. I want your story if you're going to recieve mine." I said, hiding the wince at the action that had taken place yesterday.

"When you were younger... Did you perfer to go out, or be at home."

"Don't avoid the subject!"

"I assure you, this _is_ the subject." Sebastian confirmed, and by the bleeding of his red eyes into mine, I decided to believe him.

"I... Almost never left my house." I replied truthfully, everting my gaze from the intense stare.

"That's not what I asked." The raven said darkly. I wanted to lash back but that look on his face stopped me dead.

"A house and a home are two completely different things. I lived in a house with a family, and throughout my entire childhood, I would exclaim that I wanted to go home. No one knew what I was talking about... I didn't know what I was talking about."

'_I_ don't know what you're talking about.' My mind interjected.

"But... I never knew my parents. Never knew why I always felt so intense, why I always felt foriegn in my body, in my house, in my life. It felt like, my memories weren't my own. Like I had stolen this life, and it truly belonged to someone else. Home is not a location, but it is a place. A place in your mind. Of comfort and security. Somehwere to return to after facing difficulty. I had no home, no place to return to. All I knew was pain. Mental, and emotional pain... And that's the pain that truly hurts. So I made a home. Of warmth, of happiness. However, I knew it was temporary. Not a place to return to, but a place to go. But it was secure, cruel as it was, and to be secure, it had to be that way. Cruelty is the foundation of human life, after all. It's concrete."

I felt a pang at that word. 'Concrete'. That's exactly what I was seeking.

"My home was the cruelty I gave to myself. The only pain that didn't hurt. A pain that burned on my body and into my blood and up to my brain, taking me home to my heart."

He pulled up his long black sleeves, showing the deep gashes across them. I could understand the explanation he went through. He didn't want to be labeled as 'cutter' because it was so much more than just attention to him, and I knew that, because wasn't I only seeking the same thing? To find comfort in darkness and pain so they couldn't really hurt me. Still, it made me feel inferior to share something with someone, when I had decided I was so much higher than everyone here. So, I couldn't supress the statement.

"You're mad like the lot of them."

I can see something quiver in his eyes, but never the less he smiles. He manages a quiet, "It's early. You should sleep." before he dissappears from the room.

I don't think I've ever felt guilt before, but this is what I feel now. My face is burning and my stomach is pain had flickered through those crimson eyes. I linger, sadly, on this feeling and takes me almost ten minutes to remind myself that I shouldn't care. Couldn't care. _don't_ care. I breathe deeply and sleep wins over forced apathy. after I'm already too far to found my way out of the unconcious state, I am soon plauged with images of the new kind. His eyes, and his face, and his lips as he spoke the strong words of my poetry. I think, someone like that would be taken seriously. People reading my words would be amazed and surprised, but it wouldn't be because of my talent, it would be because I'm a child. They wouldn't think that of sebastian. He'd too tall, too man-like. They'd see the words, not the hands that wrote them, and I'd recieve honest feedback. Next, I see his hands, and his legs, and his chest. I see them underneath my fingertips, and I feel suddenly uncomfortable. I know I'm in a dream and I will myself to stop touching him, and I am happy when I do. But then I grow very incontent when it's his long fingers brushing across my skin. I can feel my beath quickening, but I can't seem to escape this heav- hell. Yes, hell. And suddenly, the singers on my body are no more and it's his lips locked tightly with mine. I start in my bed to the sound of the happy morning nurse who is rousing the patients. I begin to panic quietly to myself as I noticed I have become aroused. This is something new. Ofcourse I was well aware of what it meant, just, not how it felt. The only clothes that are in my drawers rather than the storage room, where most children keep thier clothes, are a pair of black shorts alois had given me since he'd grown out of them, and a white button up shirt. In the bottom were a pair of dark gray suspenders I never wore. It would make an outfit, but, it would make what I call an _Alois_ outfit. Clothes that barely meet the dress code of this place. The dress code is plenty lenient since half the workers here are perverts, but it's not trouble I'm worried about. It's embarassment. Especially if I have to explain why I did not venture out to get my other clothes. I shake away the thought. It's my only option. I have a towel and I have all my cleaning products. But my hair brush is in the storage room as well... It didn't matter. I'd just take my shower, get dressed, and try to forget about my terribly indecent and unkempt state. I stood from the bed before the woman could barge in and announce that it was time to wake up. Most people didn't need to. You could hear her high pitched, insistent squealing from down two halls.

I started the shower, which never quite runs warm enough, and stepped into it. It took a full minute to realize I was still fully clothed. I shook my head. I was really out of it this morning. I stripped my clothes of and began washing my hair and body. The water felt nice but my problem wasn't going away. I rolled my eyes and whined at it's persistence. I strt thinking of randomthings I hate. Alois. Claude Faustus. I feel suddenly bad for pegging alois on the same level with claude. I don't hate him, ofcourse. I just think of him as unarousing... and annoying. I think of Elizibeth, and that flamboyant male nurse... What was his name? Grell. I feel satisfied when I feel my skin crawling and am completely flaccid. However, I do have to scub myself with soap once again, shivering with the people I hate and dislike. I smile contently and step out of the shower.

I try to dry my hair smoothly so it doesn't puff up into a mess. I drag my fingers through it and bid it good enough, if not a little shaggy. I put on the small clothes and wonder briefly if this is what callow, scatological teenagers feel like before they go out showing thier bare skin to the world.

I sigh very heavily before walking otu into the cafeteria for breakfast.

I hoped so dearly, with every fiber of my being that this wouldn't happen. The moment alois spots me he's whisling and howling and drawing attention and I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole with thick fabric covering every inch of my body.

"Lookin' niiiice, Phantomhive. Who knew you had legs under all of those clothes, huh?" Laughing so hard his voice grows hoarse. "And." Ofcourse he had to add. "A sheer, utter, lack of leg hair." I groan to myself and sit to eat.

There is toast with butter, 'turkey' baccon and eggwhites for breakfast. I also suspect by the smell that the butter is some kind of fat they've collected, so I eat the bread dry and eat the over-cooked egg whites. All over, it's not too bad, but it's heavy like a rock in my stomach, and no matter how much water I drink, i doesn't seem to soften it. I realize I feel strange, other than the food, and that's when I meet the red eyes staring at me from down the table.

I figured, maybe, if he saw me looking, he'd look away, pretend he was looking past me, or that there may be, maybe, just the slightest flitting in his gaze, but no. The second I sent my gaze to his, I was entranced by the smoldering of his red irises. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but Alois was pulling the sleeve of my shirt to leave the table. He was giggling again. I rolled my eyes toward him.

"Just because you're in love now doesn't mean you can forget _all_ about me, now, Mister Phantomhive. Or is it Michaelis? Phantomlis! That sounds coolest." The boy snickered. In reality, I'm just furious at myself. I had completely and totally sworn off human emotion. Now look at me. What am I doing?

"Love doesn't exsist" I blurt at the rambling blonde as I stand and begin storming off.

It's the owning of the fiery eyes who stops me just as I pass him.

"I agree." He says, my wrist tightly in his grasp. Then he lets me go. And he's... Laughing, but stops abruptly, as if he's just realized he was doing it.

"But that doesn't mean it's true." He says, but i can care less. I'm disappearing. I'm not even sure where to. I think, maybe, if things continue to intensify rather than disperse, I'd have to make this trip away, before these foreign yet familiar feelings could haunt me further.

"Alois." Sebastian says. His intense gaze is on the blonde boy now.

"We need to be admitted to the west building."


	5. Ashe

"Why... In the name of all that is _good _and _holy_ in this god FORSAKEN UNIVERSE, would we want to do that!" Alois blurted, his ample azure eyes flitting to meet the thinner red ones.

Sebastian's hand immediately flitted to the blonde's mouth to stifle his words. "That's where Ciel's going!" The Raven-haired boy said hushly, peering around to see the nurses going about thier morning gosip.

"We need to get him out of here! Others too, if we can, but we have to keep it small, and staying is not an option." Sebastian reasons, and peels his large hand from the smaller's pink lips.

"Uhhhhhmm, how exactly do you know all this? You've been here how long again? Three days? It's taken me long enough to convince Ciel to tell me some of this random shit he's just aware of, and now you know more than I do all of the sudden? And you think you can walts into a mental hospital and leave like there arent fucking passcodes on every door." The blonde whispered loudly.

"I pay alot of attention. If you are even loosely aware then you'd not even want to consider arguing with me. Are you coming or not, that's all I'd like to know." Sebastian said plainly, quickly growing tired of the boy's condecentions.

"Ofcourse I'm coming. I'm just telling you that you won't be successful. You'll get caught, and then you'll be the first person they kill in the west building. But I'd honestly rather die than be here. It's been three years since Ciel was admitted, and a two for me. Besides, you just got here, I'm not letting you leave before me, _and_ take my only friend with you."

"Then we're in buisness." Sebastian's smirk was wicked. He had a slight suspicion it would bring Ciel further on board if he could convince Alois to come as well. Now, without hinders, it was time for the plan he'd been forming in his mind of escape for three and half years now. He was ready, willing, but his plan would take far more than a single night to be brought into play.

I was desperate for fresh air. I wanted to clear my jumbled mind. To straighten out my priorities. I wanted to vomit at my memories, retch at my future. I can recall something my mother told me. That I should live for the moment. This moments was an inward battle, but it didn't have to be. I wasn't in the outside world anymore. Every single intake of breath was being decided for me by sadists in white coats. I could just let it all be. Take the strides into my death that these people have lain out for me. But I wouldn't do that! I couldn't, not if I tried. I want to live my own life according to myself. But even my freedom has been taken from me. So I'm in no place to try to live free-spirited and fall for whom ever I please. I have to fight my mind to keep it blank so I can fall into my mortality with nothing, so then, I'll have nothing to be taken away from me. That's right. No. My mother wouldn't agree with this. I'm not fighting my enemies. I'm not fighting the doctors who've locked me up here, I'm fighting the people who want to help me. But if I attempted to do it any other way... I'd become to optimistic. I'd have to much. Friends. Family. And they could be taken away from me, so simply. I could die with everyone I love wretched from my lifeless hands. I want to die with no one crying for me, and me with no one to cry for. Happiness is not an option. Neither is love, or friendship... What cowardly thinking. But there's no helping it. I have to settle everything. I have... I have to...

I can feel a tear escape my eye as I sit, curled into a small ball in the game room.

I will not love anyone. I will be completely catatonic. I won't speak to Alois, or Sebastian. I won't speak to the nurses. I'll leave my mind blank. But not immediately, for I want to get to the west building as fast as possible now. I want.. I want for them to kill me before I can grow to love anyone. I smile a little to myself, because that's means I get one more frivilous act that will land me there the quickest. I can do absolutely anything I please. Today. I will live absolutely as I please, just for today. And by tomorrow, they'll have me strapped to a chair, wheeling me to my death. It's better this way. Simpler. This is what I will achive. They won't kill me immediately. There will be cages. Scarce amounts of food that I won't eat. I'll die as quickly as I can, and I'll die with a smile on my face, defiant to my last breath, and a martyr of the human mind. That's it. That's all I need. Come to thinbk of it, Alois and Sebastian don't even seem that important anymore.

I stand, smirking, a fresh tear still on my face. I don't even care to whipe it away. It is time for me to begin.

Ashe was six years old when Sebastian met him. He was a new student in the first grade, as was Sebastian, and they quickly became friends. Sebastian was very quiet at this time, as was Ashe. Very solitary. Though they were friends, they kept to themselves, sat together but didn't speak, and when they did speak, it was concerning books, or school lessons. The second grade was not like this at all. They always played together at the park after school, worked on hoemwork together, socialized during class. They were very close. From there, thier friendship always intensified, and they barely did anything alone.

One day, sleeping over at Ashe's house, Sebastian was looking through photos of Ashe as a baby. The birth cirtificate said Angela. Sebastian asked why he wore dresses in his baby pictures. The answer was obvious enough, and he'd put it together, but he was interested as to how Ashe would attempt to explain this. Sebastian was completely taken off gaurd when Ashe began crying. sobbing really, and attempting to find away to explain that he was a transgender. But Ashe was silence by a hug. Sebastian had never huged anyone before that moment. He was moving around with new parents every other week, but he always had the same friend at the same school, and he was confident that Ashe would not be a flitting figure in his life.

It was sixth through seventh grade that were the most difficult for the two. Sebastian's red eyes weren't 'cool' anymore. They were freakish, as was Ashe's hair. It was obvious one day, when he'd been in hurry, and couldn't bind his breasts, that Ashe was obviously a girl. Sbastian had defended him at first, but his home was increasingly difficult and he felt weak against daylight, let alone an army of harsh juvinile beasts.

It was after that day, that night to be exact, Ashe had attempted suicide. Sebastian was left completely alone, because though he did not succeed, he was sent somewhere, and the raven-haired boy had absolutely no idea where that could be. Further overwhelmed by his home life, and in addition to Ashe's disappearence, plus his school life, Sebastian was overwhelmed, and began burning his skin as an outlet. It was the very begining of eigth grade year that everything had clicked into place. He knew Ashe to well, and he ran to his house. Ashe's mother met him at the door, grievence having made long perminant lines in her face. He asked immediately if they had found a suicide note, or anything of the sort left by Ashe. The answer was no, and in that moment Sebastian knew. Knew that Ashe always considered every possibility, and wasn't completely sure he'd die that night.

Sebastian ran up to the room, and picked up a large brassen clock from the wall. He layed it on the bed, and pulled up the compartment where the batteries were, and pulled it out. The folded paper. Flattening it on the bed, he read.

_300,000 Americans survive suicide attempts every year. Most teenagers fail suicide attempts, and it is possible that I will as well. So, in case of that, I have done my research. Sebastian, I know you are reading this, and I dearly hope you are in the mood for a journey._

Ashe had wrote this. From there, Sebastian took the note, running out the door and continuing to read it.

_There are two hospitals about an equal distance from my house. If I have survived, I have gone to either, Saint Vincents Hospital, or Daytona medical. You will travel to each of these. Ask an attendent for which room I had been staying in. Go to that room, and my next note will be there. Though I have considered my failure, I will not accept that you would have abandonned this journey. You know as well as I do that that's not a possibility._

Sebastian ran directly to Daytona Medical from Ashe's house, his mother's voice calling faintly after him. His feet took him as quickly as they'd go, which was considerably fast. It was a few miles and about fifteen minutes of a non-slowing run. Sebastian made his way to the front desk, and asked if an Angela Blanc had been admitted here in the last few months. The answer was no. Immediatly, Sebastian turned and ran, Not answering the woman's calls in question of his presence. He ran in the opposite direction, and he did not stop until he reached Saint Vincent's. It took around a half hour to get there. His bones ached, and his blood felt like iron in his veins. His breath was ragged, but his words were clear as he asked a man about a girl called Angela, possibly in men's clothes. The man said that yes, in marched there was girl called angela admitted for a suicide attempt. He would not tell what room he'd been in, however. Sebastian thought quickly, on his toes. He picked up a small rock from his shoe that had been lodged there. The man could not see what he was doing from behind the desk where he was sitting and he quietly asked about the boy as to keep the man distracted.

He poised the rock at the tip of his thumb and flicked it very percisesly. A small glass vase shattered behind the man and he whipped around. In that moment Sebastian grabbed the nsmall clip board, and looked at page. Room 369. He tossed it back and ran again, ignoring the elevator and going directly for the stairs. He ran for the room on the third floor. It was white and sterile, but he completely ransacked it. There was one abnormal thing. A red tile rather than all of the white ones. Ofcourse, it wasn't in Ashe's power to do this, but it's an abnormality, and he would have taken advantage of it. Feeling the red tile, Sebastian's hands felt nothing abnormal. as He looked directly up, he saw it. The little peice of note hanging from the roof's soft tile. The type that list for easy construction in large squares. He rolled the bed over and climbed upon it. the note was small.

_They're taking me to a mental health hospital. It's called Saint Dyphna's. I'll find a way to leave notes from there. Just look for somthing purple._

It was a small note, but he understood exactly what he had to do. Find Ashe at this hospital, and get him the hell out.

The first thing I do, is think of who I hate, beyond all reason. I hate all of the nurses and doctors, but after claude already getting what he deserved, I could think of no one in particular. I will just wait for somebody to do wrong by me. a single word I don't like. They'd recieve what they deserved. As of now, with nothing better to do, I went to go find alois.

Walking through the different rooms that I find strangely quiet, I don't find him. The nurses are all talking quietly amongst themselves, the doctors in thier offices, the children muted like bees exposed to smoke. It's ussually quiet, but not like this.

Aventually I give up and go to my bedroom. It's not like I need to start this immediately after all, and I'm tired anyway. Now that I don't have to worry about the isolated image I'll give off by being alone, I decide a nap will be the best course of action for now. I lie upon my bed and slowly drift into a strange transitive sleep.

_She was a very pretty girl, but what she told me was right, she was meant to be a boy. She acted like one, thought like one, and even spoke like one. I wondered if she felt trapped in her body, or rather trapped by what other people said about her body. I think she'd be beatiful with any appendage. short hair had grown long in her time here. Her breast that she tried her hardest to hide became more prominent, and she said she didn't even know how to work a bra. You can't bind your breasts here. You could unravel the material you used and hang yourself. But I became very close with her, very inspired by her surity of things. I was Friends with Angela for while. They introduced her as that, but she demanded to be called Ashe. I had no objections to that. She was so comforting. I was ten years old when she was thirteen. _

_We were very close. I began to wonder if she knew that I had grown feelings for her after those first few struggling months. I knew she wanted me to think of her as a boy, but she always was a girl to me. She'd have been outraged if she'd known I'd been refering to her as a female in my head for that year. At the time, I was undeniably attracted to women, and I think that's the reason. now, I have no idea what I like anymore._

_I remember everyday, I'd see Ashe writing in her note book, and leave little peices of paper next to a purple-painted rose. After a few months they had piled up, but one day, they all dispeared. more notes were left, and every day they disappeared. I figured they were some sort of strange offering she'd made, and that the workers had been cleaning them up, but one day, the note she'd left was gone, and another was left in it's place. When she read it she wept. Happy tears, and from that day, she never took her hands off of that letter. On day, one of the workers had pryed it from her hands. She had punched him directly in the face. After that she was gone, and after that, I starting listening, truly, actually listening. I was horrified, learning of this place where they kept these children, learning of the things they did there, or even here. The screaming of mad children was errupting for a reason, the whispers told me, and those children weren't mad when they arrived here. I had learned alot in that month following Ashe's admittence to what was called the west building. I had grown to be solitary and quiet. To behave. When alois arrived, he was simalar to how I was when I'd first arrived. Silent. Eyes wide and glassy. After being coaxed into reality we both became friends. After learnign about what was going on in this hospital, we'd made a promise to each other not to go mad. Honestly, I think that's a promise we both brokea while ago. I haven't any idea where my beautiful childish mentality had gone. I miss it. I miss no worries, smiles, happiness. I miss it all so much that I ache. so much that I wake._

It was a very strange lucid dream I'd just had. My memories, and my thoughts on them, rather than the scenes individully. It's happened before. It used to happen every night when I was very frusterated. I don't dislike them, though. They help me straighten out or realize things when I need to. But why this memory? I have a strong feeling that there's something I need to remember, that I've long since now forgotten.

"The day Ciel is admitted, whenever that day may be, we go wild. do whatever we please. Hurt people, scream, do what you will. Do what you can to be admitted as soon as possible. Before that though, everyone you want to come with us, no more than two people, have them on board with this as well. In the west building there are several large pipes that get you out of holding, which is where the guards watch you and keep you. We pass this pipe daily on the way to lunch. It is large enough for us, but not for a full grown gaurd. We'll wait in this pipe until we hear a high pitched noise. That's an alarm. They'll send all forces looking for us. It's necessary to delay escape until they begin searching, because the pipe lead's the the guard's room, where they stay while not on duty. Once we're in there, we'll take all available uniforms. Those who are without will be held in animal grabbers. They use those there for people who misbehave when they take them to a seperate room for punishment. We will avoid the rest of the gaurds at all cost but if we run into one, hide your face at all cost and claim you've found the runaways, and are taking them in for punishment. In the punishment room, there is a passcoded door. It's a cellar, where they kill those who are a danger to the hospital. We wait there until the alarms stop, which will mean either the runaways have been aprehended, or it is time to stop looking. From that point, we leave the cellar. Immediately down the hall, there is an emergency exit. That door will no longer be gaurded now that the threat has been will leave out of that door. From there, we hug the walls and avoid windows. We will be directly facing a gate that they use to bring in new admitions from the outside. One of us will split off from the group to the opposite side of the fence. It will have to be one of us with a uniform, so we can shut off the electricity in the fence. the moment that electricity is shut off without regulation, another alarm will wail. The second you hear that alarm, run as if satan was on your heels. When you reach the fence, keep running. When you're out of the hospital, keep running, when you get tired, keep running. Don't turn back for anyone, don't help anyone. Run." ebastian give these intructions to Alois bleakly, th word barely heard because hey're said so quetly.

"How the hell do you know all of this?" Alois says, and his eyes are boring into the raven-haired boy whose face is as dark as his voice.

"I know someone. Someone who's waiting there for me already." With the look on Sebastian's face, the blonde doesn't ask for another elplanation.

"I've got it. I won't let anything get in my way." Alois says. Sebastian doesn't nod, doesn't smile, or even speak. He stands, and walks out of the room.

Once intering the hall, the thought enters his head. _I can't say the same._


	6. I don't care

**HEY! I just wanted to tell you guys, I'M NOT DEAD! I've been having terrible computer issues, and had to get a new one, then BOOM, all the chapters I wrote that were ready to be posted last month, GONE, plus, it took quite a while to get my internet back up. I finally, did, THEN MY PARENTS FOUND MAH PORN STASH! soooo, once again, everything got deleted. It was very tedious, but finally, I managed to get one of your updates ready. the other should be done within the next week... could be tomorrow, could be sunday, who knows? eitherways, it's about time. THIS CHAPTER, BE WARNED, IS FLUFF CENTRAL.**

I get up and wander about. night is drawing close and it's about time for everyone to be administered with their medication and be sent off to bed. I know sleep will refuse to take me into it's clutches again, and I don't want to think. Thinking is both exausting and too depressing for me to take at the moment.

Now that I'm awake, I suppose my fun could begin now. I quietly sneak out the main room and like I thought, the meds are being administered. I don't take meds anymore. It was quite the clever idea of mine actually. I told the administrator that I get chronic headaches which would require for her to give me tylenol, and since my 'headaches' happen sparatically, and most medicines don't do well with tylenol, I had to be taken off my regimen. But it's simple enough to break into the medicine cabinets. Not that I'd ever done so, but the meds are in a locked drawer, the keys to that drawer she hangs above the administration window, and an easy excuse to get into that room is that you have to use the restroom NOW, so that you can use the private restroom, because it's far closer than the one we typically use. Which is percisely what I do now.

I make sure to ask Miss-genuinely-wants-to-know-how-you're-doing nurse for good measure and she give me her giant plastered on smile and unlocks the door, not even bothering to see if that's where I go. the administrator is actually in the restroom at the moment, and all the kids are on their way to bed, so I snatch the keys and open the cabinet, quickly scanning the names on the bottle. I come across valium and smile wide, taking the bottle and popping two into my sweat pant's pocket. I close the drawer and lock it. Smiling I stand right outside the bathroom where the meds administrator is just coming out. He looks at me crossly, but continues back into some room and I run into the bathroom, popping the pills dry and taking a quick piss while I'm at it before leaving the office room all together and heading back into the main room.

I think of somewhere I could hide out until the nurses and doctors go home and all that's left is the gaurds. I want to go hang out inAlois' room, but I'm going to the west building and not trying to drag him along with me, and I was supposed to keep the human contact to a minimum. Well, not necisarily since me and alois were friends already, and the second the camera's show I was taking pills, I'll be shipped off, and it's not like emotional ties can flourish in a night, right? I'm thinking again. Why am I doing this. I'll only depress myself. It's-

**SLAP**

Not litterally, but with just as much force. I feel good, and suddenly, the plant in the corner is looking mighty inviting to be chewed.

"I bet it doesn't have chilrens in it." I say. then I giggle, because I chilrens. "That's not how that word is pronounced." I giggle. I pause and try to peiece some things togther. I've only taken very mild medicines, and I'm a light weight. So maybe just one would have taken the edge off... Two is probably a bit much. I realize I can think straight, but my voice slurs, and my eyes blur if I look at something for too long. And my eye lids are heavy. I realize that I said I wouldn't get to go back to sleep, but having no control over my actions is scaring me, and I know that It's typical for drugs to make you as tired as I feel. I walk down the hall slowly, trying to keep balance. As I fall into my bed, not bothering to shut the door, my eyes close softly. only to snap back open.

It feels like five minutes, but from the window that sits high on wall, I can tell from the sky it's been a half hour or so. Though my light rest has been interrupted, I'm not angry, because the meds are still turning my typical bitterness into bubbliness.

He was walking down the hall. I knew if was him. I had already verified each tread, they were too heavy to be alois's, to slow to be a nurses. It was the stride of someone large, but not too large, and leisurely, matching his composed facade, so when I heard the four melodic knocks at the open door, I knew it was Sebastian.

"Enter." I said, pulling a hand lazily through my hair to collect unkempt strands.

"Hello, Ciel." Sebastian said, smiling. I could see his white teeth as his black clothes and hair blended into the dark.

"Liar." I said plainly, scowling at him.

"...All I said was hello. How-" Sebastian said. I smirked and interrupted him.

"Your not happy. Your stressed. and tired. You have bags under your eyes. Your forehead is crinkled. worry lines. But your smiling. your expression isn't candid, therefore, you're a liar. If you want to come and talk to me, at least be truthful while your doing it." I said, proud of myself for avoiding any slurs.

"Oh, but you said it yourself, didn't you?" Sebastian said, sitting on my bed. "I'm 'mad like the lot of them', aren't I? How do your that isn't why I smile?"

"Because that was a lie too." I said, losing his smirk with the guilt of what I said not too long ago.

"You don't think I'm crazy?" Sebastian rose an eyebrow at me. I sat up and hugged my legs, shaking my head no then resting it on my knees.

"Well I think you are." Sebastian said. I let out a little gasp and met his eyes.

"Wh-"

"These people, the patients, the doctors, the nurses... They don't know what madness is. I'll tell you something about being crazy." Sebastian said, smiling weakly. Scooting over to my side, he whispers in my ear, "All of the best people are."

I blush a bit as I look up at him. I'm lost. In my words, my decisions, in his perfectness that shoots pangs through my heart, and I do something only a madman would do. I let go.

I tilt my head back, and he catches it with his hand that laces it's self into my hair. I look so deeply, navigating through his red eyes, and he's doing the same to mine. The moment is still. seconds, hours, minutes, I'm not sure how long it's happening, but he's getting steadily closer to me, and his lips are on mine. Fuck it. Fuck my morals, fuck everything. If I could change this second for anything in the world, I would never. As I drop my knees and crawl upon him, each leg beside each of his, stradling him, and press myself flush against him, I know that I was never mad, but this boy with his red eyes has driven me there, and there's no place I'd rather be.

His lips are sweet, not like sugar, but like a drop of honey suckle on my tounge. He's warm, and the hand in my hair has balled into a fist that's so tight it's shaking. He has the same force on my wrist, as my hand is pressed against the wall behind him, and I know I'll be bruised, but I don't care. Why should I? I breath is through my nose, and his scent sends my head reeling somewhere distant and beautiful, I could never do such a terrible thing as to try to retrieve it.

It seems like forever until the kiss breaks with a saliva strand connecting our lips. I'm blushing, I can tell. I bury my face into the crook of his neck, but I'm tired of holding myself up, so I rest on his legs, and head is now planted in his chest.

He loosens his grip on my wrist and hair, and now his fingers are softly brushing through the strands. I put my hands around his waist and slide down again resting my head on his lap. He's still occupying himself with playing in my hair and I make myself comfortable, closing my eyes and drifting back to sleep.

Her voice peirces my ears. It's the morning nurse. she coming to rouse us... holy fucking hell. I shoot up and see that sebastian has disappeared. A dream? That's pretty vivid for just a dream. She's almost to my room. I lay under my covers and feign sleep. I'm not sure why. It's just a reflex. Normally, the second her voice rings out it's like an alarm clock and everybody's out of bed before she's even made her way around each hall. I open my eyes when she gets to my room.

"Up! up, up, up, up, up! It's time for you to greet the sun mister Phantomhive." She screeches. It's seven AM. The sun is hardly up yet. It probably only rises further into the sky to get away from her screaming voice anyway. I peer over and see him. Sebastian in my bathroom, a finger over his lips, a warning for me to stay quiet perhaps. I run immediately in. There's no door on the restroom, but no one will interrupt.

"What are you doing in here!" I ask hushly incase of listening ears.

"Well you were hugging my waist all night, I couldn't exactly wake you up to return to my room, now could I?"

I blush at the memory, and further when I see his awkward stance.

"Yeah... I think you might have enjoyed that position a little too much." I say as my eyes make contact with the floor.

Sebastian seems to have caught wind of what I'm speaking of because he shifts uncomfortably again.

"Well, with your face in my lap I could almost control myself. It's when your started whimpering and nuzzling into me that it became a problem. Not to mention your druling on my pants. I didn't want to wake you, so I tried not to move... I should win a medal for such restraint." Sebastian said, making my blush darker.

"W-well... What are we going to do now?" I ask, avoiding the sight of him and looking at the wall.

"Hmm, you'd think it'd be easy for you to come up with a plan for sneaking around after your ransack of the meds last night." Sebastian says. I meet his eyes and my bewilderment is immediately calmed.

"How do you know about that?" I ask, and he just shakes his head.

"You were right in front of the window, don't tell me you think nobody saw. Plus, you were acting out of the ordinary. Admitting and doing things you wouldn't do. Even so, that's not the issue now. I'll just wait until the morning nurse gets further down the hall near my room. I walk behind her and say I just went to the storage room to get fresh towels. And as payment for the absolute torture you put me through _all night_, I'll be taking yours." He says and he takes my only remaining towel from it's rack. I want to object, but the thought that I've tortured him caught me off gaurd.

"No discusing this. It's our secret, okay?" I say as I hand him the towel.

"What if we're caught in the act." He smirks and I look back up at him.

"What do you mean, we already have a plan, it shouldn't fail, right?" I get nervous at the thought that maybe he wouldn't be able to pull it off. But he's so composed, I hadn't even considered that.

"Yes. But I meant next time this happens." He says and my blush returns.

"What makes you think there'll be a next time?" I ask, and his small smirk grows.

"Your facial expression." I'm so tired of feeling like a stupid blushing girl, but I can't help it. I look at my feet and wait for him to leave.

I feel his hand under my chin as he lifts my face, and just like last night, we share a kiss. It's different this time, though. Less chaste. It must be, I think, his arousal that makes it this way. And his lips are desperate as they attatch to mine, but it seem like he's holding something back. He knows he needs to go, but it seems that for a moment, he forgets about that. He presses his tounge against my lips. I've been holding my breath and not entirely kissing back, because it feels far more dangerous to be doing this now that I'm sober, but the second his tounge joins the attachment, I'm lost. Falling victim to each flick and roll of that muscle. I try to think. No, this is what I was trying to avoid, but those thoughts are so far away I can scarcely hear them. If this doesn't stop soon, I'll be stuck with the same problem he has at the moment. I don't care. But regretibally, he pulls away, and he's gone before I gasp in my breath.

I'd hate to admit it, but dishonest is something I shouldn't be with myself. Who could I trust if I was. I didn't want this to happen, but I'm glad it did. I'm also terrified. There was a vast difference between last night's kiss and this one. Last night, I felt liberated by kissing him, and I could have easily gone away after it. But there is no liberation here. Now, I can't just leave, if I wanted to, which I don't. Now, I feel a fluttering in my stomach. Rather than feeling accomplished after the kiss, I want more. This is what I'm scared of... In a place like this, if I let this feeling blossom, who's to say it won't be mutilated at the hands of these people?

I breathe out slowly. I smile widely. There's this beautiful realization, and I'm sure this is the sort of madness Sebastian was refering to_. I don't care. _It's as if I've found the answer life in my pocket. I don't know how I feel about Sebastian, but I'll act on it, because I don't care. I'll do what I want here, whatever I want. Punish me? I don't care. Why should I? This is what Mom was trying to tell me too. Live life as it is. I don't make the rules here, so why abide by them?

I have soft smile as I bathe, as I try to avoid touching my... lower regions, so that I don't fall victim to the ministrations that call to me. When I'm clean, I go over to my towel rack.

All that happiness is there, so now I can feel dejection and doom over things like this. FUCK, why'd he have to take my _only_ towel. I can't exactly go to the storage room without clothes. I only have a few pieces of clothing left in here anyways.

I go through my drawers and take out everything I have.

There's a pair of briefs, a too-thin white button up, a clip-on bow tie (lest we hang ourselves), and the same black shorts from the other day I had forgotten to put away. The nurses had told us to stock up our drawers again, but I just grabbed a small handfull of clothes and stuffed them in there, uncaring of what they were.

I wring out my hair and put on the shirt, which is slightly small, and clings to my wet body anyway. I'm still uncomfortable with the size of these shorts. I just put on the bowtie because it's there, I guess, and it matches the shorts, so why not. I wear my soft soled calf slippers. My aunt Angelina had taken the liberty of getting these for me as well. They looked convincingly like boots and fit comfortably. I wear them rather than my typical slippers because I want to cover as much skin as possible.

I go quickly back into the bathroom to comb my hair and brush my teeth before emerging from my room. Everyone is marching down the hall. I look up the hall towards Sebastian's room and see that he's leaning just next to the frame of my door.

"Did everything go alright?" I ask and he nods, but his eyes don't leave me.

"What?'' I ask, and then I remember I look like a slut and I suddenly feel very self concious.

"It's nothing... Let's go eat."He says.

I consider how much of a failure I've been at keeping him at arms length. I've always been bitter towards him, and even now, I'm not sure how I feel... We've kissed, but it's not as if we're together. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready to submit to these feelings. Then, when I think about last night, it only makes me want to get closer to him. I suppose I'll follow my earlier revelation and only act on what I feel when I'm feeling it, even if it's not identified... And right now, I feel a bit turned on by the carnivorous way he's staring at me. However, that particular desire is subdued by the need for food.

I sit down next to Alois as breakfast is wheeled in. Sebastian sits across from us per his ussual and I find myself relieved he doesn't sit next to me. Alois is definitely going to make a scene when he finds out, so I want that to happen when we're are out on the yard, which thankfully we have sceduled today. I take in a deep breath and eat the bagel on my plate.

It's not long before breakfast is over and I head over to the couch and watch the television where The Lion King Is currently playing for the fifth time this week. I check the clock and it's aproximately five minutes before it's time to go outside. Alois comes and sits next to me.

"Lookin nice again Phantomhive. I can see your nipple through that shirt." Coments and flicks one. I hit him on the side of the head and cover myself with one of the couch cushions. Sebastian joins us and we watch the television in silence until, Mister-I-really-don't-want-to-be-here-nurse calls us to come outside.

It's begining to grow cold and I shiver visibly as Alois and I go over to sit on our ussual picnic table. as I lay down he comments, "You're awfully quiet today."

I sit up and look at him. He looks over at me.

"What's wrong? What happened?" He asks, and I blush a little.

"Sebastian and I kissed last night." I say quickly so the words escape my mouth before I can regret them.

"_**WHAT!?**_"

**So that's the end for now my turtle doves. I expected more fluff than I put in, but I decided, who wants the gross cloud shit, lets get some god damn smexiness. So more of that smexiness will happen on the next update, WHICH will not tke two months this time, I promise ;p**


	7. Hallelujah

"NO! NO WAY!? Was there tounge? was there... more?" Alois asked in a cryptic mix of excitement and shock.

"No!... well yes. I was high and according him I mouthed him through his pants all night." I explained, cringing with embarassment.

Alois makes a high pitched yelp that could penatrate ears for miles. "Sebastian!" He calls and Sebastian grudgingly walks over from his tree. Everyone's whispers are quiet as they gossip about the happening that our conversation could be containing.

"Sebastian, don't deflower my dear Ciel without letting me know first." Alois says, slapping his own chest like Sebastian's committed an unforgivable sin and it's absolutely fabulous.

"Then Alois, I feel I should let you know-"

"Then Ciel changed the subject!" I quickly interrupted. Sebastian smirked something clever before finishing.

"I plan to make Ciel's intentions my own. Everything is as his own set pace." he finished.

"Tch, whatever. Where was that statement when you groped me in the nurses office!" I say slightly loud and look around. Everyone's eyes are on us. I assume it's the closest they have to cable.

Meanwhile, alois looks between the two of us incredulously. "How long has this been going on!?" He asks, making personal statments about losing his senses and whatnot.

"AND THEN CIEL CHANGED THE SUBJECT!" I said hoping it would be the final time I'd have to.

"Yes, yes. So, Sebastian, have you ever been tested for an std?" Alois asks with a tone as if he's asking about the weather. I fume and attempt to say something else before alois continues.

"You know, Herpes, AIDS, syphilis? " He asks again. I put my head in my hands and listen horrorfully.

"I'm a virgin, Alois." Sebastian states and my eyes widen out of everyone's view. I guess it's not too large of a shock. He's not that old I guess, but he's abnormally attractive. I think the second he reached pueberty people would be stuffing him down thier throats.

"A Virgin or technically a vigin? Oral sex is still sex, Sebastian." It's as if Alois read my mind.

"A virgin. I've never even..." He trails off. I smile, and though I can't see it, I know alois is smiling.

"What, Sebastian? You've never what?"

"Nothing." He answers. I look up because I have to see his facial expression. He's standing stick-straight, blushing, and his fingers are nervously tapping his arm.

"Sebastian, did you lose your kiss virginity last night?!" Alois demands and flips his head in the other direction. I blush and my cheeks hurt because of my smirk.

"Oh my god!" Alois is in hysterics and probably on the verge of an anuerism. Sebastian looks too adorable for words, and I'm sitting here blushing and smiling with some sort of mutantly large butterfies with mental handicaps flapping around in my stomach. The spectaters are 'Aww'ing and some of them are laughing, themselves.

A nurse walks over and announces that it's time to return to the building. Now the Awws are that of disappointment. The chuckles die and everyone leaves. I hop from the table and Help Alois up. Sebastian walks behind us and we all seek refuge from the gossip in the game room. Alois walks in and sits on one of the chairs next to the love seat, saving it for us. Sebastian sits and I sit next to him. Leave it to Alois to disagree.

"This won't do." He stands up, lifts me from my place and sits me on Sebastian's lap so my legs lay on the seat. He then proceeds to put Sebastian's hand on my waist and push my head against his chest.

"Better." He says, nodding in aproval. I can agree, it is better, but I don't want to admit it. I shift uncomfortably and realize how much I can feel him. I hear him let out a hot breath in my ear and I shiver.

"I asked you to sit on him, not have sex with him, Ciel." Alois interjects. But I'm interested now. I put my arm around sebastian's shoulders and move again. I notice slight things. A quick intake of breath, an increase in his heart beat. All of them make me smile with satisfaction. Alois has already "Left us two alone" and at this point I'm might as well be grinding on him.

"Ciel." He says gruffly which stops me in my movements. "If you keep on this way, I don't think I'll be a vigin for long." This is a threat. The idea both terrifies and elates me on several levels. I blush darkly and move so I'm straddling him. I've never been in this kind of situation before. Now I feel exactly what he's feeling, so how could I refuse? It's like this morning but far more intense. My lips are now directly next to his ear, his hands are trembling on my hips. He wants to press me into him, but I want to tease him for a bit longer. I breathe hot and shuddering into his hear, voicing the most quiet of groans. His head falls back against my hands and he whimpers. The sound penetrates through me and I bite down on his ear lobe because it's the closest thing to me which causes him to make another noise and thusly, bringing my teeth down harder.

"C-ciel. Please... Do something." He begs. His thin pants don't leave much to be imagined and I can feel him twitch. I know how he feels. I can't take this much longer either. Not _much_ longer. But it's far too fun to end just yet. So with that thought, I answer, "Now why would I do that when I have you so vulnerable?" blowing into his ear. He gasps in a breath and I can feel his hips squirm with desparity, but as they attempt to move forward, I move back. I fist his hair in my hand and bring his ear back to my lips. I let out a noise starts in a whine and ends in a whimper. I hadn't meant for it to end that way, but as I felt is fingernails rake against the blades of my shoulders as they balled into fists, that's how it came out. He lets out small mewls with his breath and I begin to wonder what he'd be like were I to actually touch him.

He bites down on my throat, sucking it and licking the spot when he's left a decent mark. I cry out making more noise than I expected. The danger of doing this in public only adds to my arousal. I'm getting desperate as well, but I want to hear him beg before I succumb to his requests. So I do something dangerous.

I hold his hips down and press mine softly and slowly against his. He lets out a growl that does not pause and only grows in intesity. I hold in my noises so I can hear his, and I revel in something so beautiful.

"Ciel." He says my name quietly and it almost makes my determination crumble to pieces. However, tracing his arousal with my own, I answer in a calm, "Yes?".

"Ciel, please." He closes his eyes completely and tilts his head back again, biting his lip, and I force myself not to melt at his expression.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you." I say and he whines so loud it makes me shake.

"C-ciel...I can't_ take _this. Please. Please. I-... I've never done this before." His words are spoken in a pained voice that ends the last of my will. I thrust against him and his hands fly to my hips. Releasing a moan, he presses me forward and I cry out louder than I expected to.

"Hn...ah, Sebastian!" I realize how vocal I've become and I grab his arm.

"A-ah... Sebastian. No. W-we can't do this here. If this keeps on I... I'll..."

"Ciel." Is his only reply, and I can feel that he's trying to stop but can't find the will to do so. I can hear a quick pace of feet outside of the door.

"S-someone's coming!" I tell him and he barely manages to let me go before the door bursts open and Alois comes in.

"Ciel!" He calls at my and I'm breathless as I sit on the couch. "It's... Claude." Is all he says and I stare at him, uncomprehending of what he's saying, what he means.

"He's administering your sentence." I don't know how Alois knows what's happened, but I suppose it's common knowlege now. I stand and walk forward, still with only half comprehension. Alois walks in front of me, leading me to that room. To spite me. He's done it to spite me. The blue room. The bed has been removed and multiple chairs have been set up. Hannah is here. The doctor that tried to get my foretime lengthened. Claude, ofcourse is here. The sadistic tranny nurse is here, genuinely-wants-to-know-how-you're-doing-nurse is here, The I-haven't-had-my-coffee-this-morning-or-any-other therapist is here, and so are two security gaurds. One thin with blonde hair and a tatoo on the back of this neck, and the other bulky with an unlit cigarette handing out of his mouth.

I walk into the room and Geniunely-wants-to-know-how-you're-doing-nurse tells my to take a seat with concern on her face. Sebastian grabs my hand and sits next to me in one of the many unnecisarily colorful seats. I hold him in a vice, and as petulant as my heart feels, and unwavering glares goes out to all in this room. Alois sits in the chair next to us. Everyone seems to be allowing their enterance which makes me feel somewhat stronger.

Claude moves his hands vehently and a translator says. "I was attacked by this boy after trying to examine him medically." There's a pause. "I demand that he is sent to the west building for the entirety of his stay at Saint Dymphna's." Claude says, which everyone was already expecting, so there's no shock here. I should probably be devestated, or angry, or something of the sort. But instead, I'm laughing. I don't know why. That's a lie. I do. Because this man can't swallow his own food. He can't speak. He has one less apendage to abuse people with. Is it worth it? Yes. I'd say it is.

"What is it?" The sadist demands and I stand.

"Cut the formalities," I say darkly, my laughter gone, my eyes full of seriousness.

"We're all aware what happened here, yes? Well, maybe not all of us. This helpless little mute right here-" I stand and gesture to claude. "-had his tongue bitten off for putting it where it doesn't belong. Just and true. I am now suffering for my own self defense. You all would like to pretend that you have some sort of qualms. Maybe you'd like to say it sickens you, but you have a family to feed, a house to support, or you're just in too deep, but you're not! You're not even human beings anymore. You sick, disgusting, sadists. Oppertunists, far past the point of curruption. And we're supposed the be the mad ones? You deserve fate worse than death. To endure what we've endured!" I'm screaming. The security gaurds are coming to restrain me. I kick against thier holds, and the skinny one seems a lot stronger than the larger.

My eyes fall to Sebastian. He's staring intensely at me. Alois is watching the scene go by horrorfully. Sebastiuan stands. Alois grabs his hand, yelling something at him, but he pulls himself free. Taking liesurely steps like I know him for, he aproaches claude he stands and holds his ground. He stares for a second, and I think he's about to say something, but instead, he punches the man dead in the face. Claude goes out like a light. The red nurse swoons and immediately gets his arm twisted. Sebastian says something like a warning then he's moving toward me. Something goes off like a light in Alois's head and he's up, kicking and punching anyone he can get to. He kicks hannah in the face, and I feel bad for her, but not enough to care at the moment.

It takes about half an hour for the staff to gain control. We're tied down in our chairs. It takes Sebastian especially long to catch. He had almost killed Claude by the end of the ordeal. In the end it was the thinner gaurd who had gotten Sebastian in his seat. You could see the grief on his face and tell that he was a softee. That he would be killed in the future for disloyalty to Saint Dymphna's. However, that day would not be today. Claude has been removed, and so has Hannah. She had her eye gouged out by Alois. It shocked me, but I won't taint the sanctity of my need to peel the bleeding walls of this place apart by something as lowly as innocence. However, I was sad. Because they had thrown themselves away too. For me. Now we'd be in captivity together.

"Alois Trancy, Sebastian Michaelis, And Ciel Phantomhive. You are all sentenced to readministation to the west building starting at the end of this week." The every-angry nurse said, his voice holding boredom in it. I won't say I can't believe it, because I can. There's not alot in this world, not many horrors that I haven't seen. But I will say this. I find the simplicity of his ability to dole out our death like lunch at a soup kitchen repugnant.

"In the mean time, you are to undergo isolation." He announces, then the gaurds are taking us back to the rooms.

Isolation is done in groups of no more than five. These few people are not to make contact with the majority so that they do not cause a disturbance. In truth, it's so that they do not cause a revolution. The five or less are aloud to see each other in hopes that the staff may be entertained with a fight or even a casualty. They all stay in a large room like an oversized jail cell. There are a total of seven isolation rooms total in a large prison-like cell , only one other is occupied. There's a large man with a bald head, a dark-skinned woman with curly hair, a man, more like a teenager actually, with white hair and an abnormal skin texture like a mosiac painting. Then, with them, there's a small girl with freckles who's missing an eye and looks convincingly like a boy. We see them as we are led to our cell.

The bed is soft enough, and the blankets are warm and there are two pillows on each of the matresses. The walls are painted a fresh white and there's a small circular window on the roof about the size of a volleyball. It's a large room and the floor is made of tile, but other than the five beds, there is nothing in the room. It's not as good as my old room, but it's far more than I expected from this place. But I'm still in the hospital. Things are still pretty and painted. I'm sure a vast change has yet to come.

I lay down and cover myself with a blanket, and Sebastian lays down next to me. Alois sort of stands awkwardly in the corner, but I scoot over and invite him to lay down. He smiles as he joins me on the bed, and I put my arms around Sebastian's waist as Alois puts his around my stomach, and sebastian has his left arm under my head and the right pressed softly against my chest, and I know he can feel my heartbeat. I find emence comfort in this embrace and easily fall asleep, not caring in the slightest what the morning will bring.

It's late afternoon when I awaken to the clanking of bars and someone sets three metal trays into our room. I sit up and find Sebastian is already awake with his fingers in my hair. I don't even consider it as I bring my lips forward and they connect with his. He's warm in such a cold place as this. He kisses back with vigor, and I break the attatchment before that familliar feeling creeps into my senses. I shake Alois awake and we eat our dinner in silence. This solitude is getting to us and I can't stand it.

"Alois?" I ask And turns his head toward me.

"You never tell me. Or, I guess, I never ask. What was your life like outside of here?" There's a glint in his eyes like a memory, and I know he doesn't want to, but it seems my pleading face brings him to tell me.

"I guess, it pretty much consisted of me and my brother. Our parents died when we were young. we were kind of miscreants in this little town. Everyone knew us, hated us. The town burnt down one day. I found out it was him. My brother. Luka. He came here long before I did. I went to a different place of abuse. It wasn't as bad as here. It wasn't such a lie, you know? But there was this man. Like claude, I guess. He called all of the children his dolls. I was his favorite. But there was an accident. I felt like the french girl from Chicago, everybody saying I did it. He had drowned in the bath, and there were signs of a stuggle. I had bruises, naturally, from his treatment, but that's all they considered proof. Then I got sent here. I don't know where Luka is, now. In residential, I'm sure. We had to steal and abuse others to survive growing up. I'm sure my example got him into trouble..." Alois trailed off.

"I was hoping you might have been happy... but you were probably off worst of all." I admit. "I'm sorry I never acknowleged it before now." I say and he gives me a wierd smile.

"No. I was happy. Really happy, in fact. We were always doing wrong, but no matter what we were doing or saying, I always had fun. Then even after I lost him. I was entertained in the halls at night, in that place. Telling stories and escaping to play in the woods. It really wasn't all that bad." I consider this. How bitter I was, maddened by the sight of my parent's death. But here was this boy who watches a city burn, a brother become lost, a family whom he never knew, and of all things, he says he was happy. I suddenly feel so selfish for any qualms I had about feeling happy.

"Then, there was that song that Luka and I would sing." He said with that same smile. That held hope in all it's beauty, insolence, and humanity.

"It was hallelujeh. Of all songs. We... Didn't even believe in God. I sang that song at _that_ place. But I haven't sung it in two years. The two years since I've been here." There are tears pouring down his face, but he speaks evenly. "We had heard it from an old man. He was outside of the hospital. You get things outside hospitals. Medication that you might need. All you have to do is take it. And that man sang. Hallelujah. I had tried to take his money. But. He gave it to me. I won't say that it offered me some sort of lease on life, or new respect. He handed it me me, blessed me, and sent me on my way. I listened to him sing from behind a corner, and walking into his house, he kept on singing, Hallelujah. And always, when I walked past that house, next to that hospital, I heard him singing, Hallelujah." His voice breaks several times. There's silence for a little while after this. I put down my food and lean into Sebastian, thinking deeply of this man.

I suppose they heard. The man, and scaled boy, the woman with the coarse hair and the freckled girl. In unison, they all sing.

_"Well, I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the lord, But you don't really care for music, do you? Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah."_

Alois cries harder, and his voice joins the melody. I had heard the song once before, from my mother. I sing what I know, and so does Sebastian. And here we are. Seven people, like this, in a place like this, in a situation, with lives like this, singing Hallelujah.

_"Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof. You saw her bathing on the roof. Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you. She tied you to her kitchen chair, She broke your throne and she cut your her, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah."_

_"Hallelujah"_

_"Hallelujah"_

_"Hallelujah"_

_"...Halelujah."_

**done. heartbreaking, right? ahhhhhh, so sad. tears? double tears? review me for smutting up then breaking down the hearts ladies and feminine gents. Tell me how you really feel.**


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